October's come and gone

Hello from a month-long hiatus!

I miss it here, though to tell the truth, I shun this corner out of hopelessness. There really comes a time in your life that you fail to see the point in everything. So you blindly trudge on and bump into things and you end up with a couple of bruises.

The past month has been a philosophical roller coaster ride. I spent weeks of introspection and lost thousands of brain cells in the process. Just when I was clearly losing a battle with myself, someone I barely know looks me in the eye and says, no - exclaims "great pretender!", with a finger pointing at me of course. I have nothing against mind-reading and mind-readers, but that accusation knocked me off, like I was found guilty without due process in court. Psychologists or whatever you call them - not even a real one! - are not supposed to judge you or persecute you. I guess I was more bothered by the fact that I was bothered at all.

The thing is when I asked someone who really knows me if I was guilty, he said yes, and I accepted it without question. I realized that while some people are out to diminish you, there are people who accept you for your being, your flaws, your passion, that you learn not to be so hard on yourself. That I am very much appreciated. I'm glad someone found me before I fade away.

Do you know the feeling when you're reading a book and it becomes your perspective on life? I found solace in Milan Kundera's words:

"What fell to her lot was not the burden but the unbearable lightness of being." 

"The absolute absence of burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being

Ramblings

My mind is a clutter right now - overlapping thoughts and daydreams and words - stumbling to get out. Every time I stop to sort things out with myself, I hit a writer's block. I feel detached, floating aimlessly in a sea of words. I feel restless and anxious, wanting to say everything but not knowing how to say it. Words are not enough but they're everything.

Spending too much time in one's head is dangerous. But when you bow your head in front of a paperback, you escape, you stop the tide from pulling you into monotony and routine. Books are like anchors, they hold you down, and lift you above the choking water when you need to breathe. 

I felt how strong the tide was and I refuse to go with the flow.

Listening to: 1901 - Birdy & Little bit - Drake ft. Lykke Li

Stealing away

A quick segue from work. Been feeling down lately, like I carry the weight of the world. Cliche, yes. But it drives me to sudden burst of tears sometimes. It's the worst feeling ever, to not know, to be helpless, but at the back of your mind you know you brought this upon yourself.

Do you know what makes me happy? Books.

Seeing books. Holding books. The smell of books. The smell of paper. Reading books. Reading words. Drinking prose. The elation of discovering a book, a different world,  beautiful characters. The fulfillment of finding a great read with just intuition. The feeling when you reach the epilogue, like jumping off a cliff. Closing your eyes when the words are so beautiful. Closing your eyes so you can imagine.

Then I remember, that's all I need. My family, my friends, my love, my books.